[Now that Jyushi's had a night away from Hitoya, from their fight, and he's stewed in his guilt he's ready to come home. It's early in the morning but Jyushi's anxious at the idea of coming home to an empty room so he texts before he comes over:]
Are you home?
[After avoiding him and the fight, it's a simple text but he just wants to make sure they can immediately talk after all that's happened.]
[When the text comes in, Hitoya isn't looking for it. Isn't even expecting it because it's only been a day, and somewhere amidst the all the incendiary words aimlessly launched back and forth in broad accusations, Hitoya has somehow forgotten that this is Jyushi he's dealing with, rather than himself who holds onto these things far longer than he should, long enough that he sometimes forgets to let go until it discharges in hand and he's still left cleaning it up days, weeks, a decade later.
By the time he notices the text, he sees the numbers on the screen before they resolved into a name. Jyushi, he realizes, who is assuredly at war with himself even as he tries to make trouble--he could never make war--with anyone around him.
Old habits die hard and Hitoya's first thought is to wonder what he wants? Followed quickly by a curiosity for where he's been. That one is new.
In the end, none of them are suitable to hashing out over text which only leaves him with one option for reply.]
But he does come home bearing gifts. He walks up to Hitoya, trying to keep up a calm facade about himself as he offers a bag. Inside is a pack of Hitoya's favorite cigarettes here and some chocolates he knows Hitoya likes but are too expensive to have much of.
[While Hitoya recognizes the gifts for what they are he looks right past them to the one offering them. He takes Jyushi instead, pulling him into the room and waits long enough for the door to close before pulling him into a hug. Quite unexpectedly. Probably for both of them.]
[Hitoya really doesn't show how he feels very much and Jyushi's always been just fine with that. After all, it's always his actions that mean the most. So Jyushi can name one other time that Hitoya had ever hugged him.
So as he wraps his arms around Hitoya, he sniffles and thinks he greatly prefers this time.]
I'm sorry for how I spoke to you. You didn't deserve that when you were just looking out for me. Just like you always have.
As long as you know that, that's all that matters.
[Hitoya gives Jyushi time to take what he might need from the embrace, only pulling away when he feels the kid relax in the way of his apology. Grasping Jyushi by the shoulders, he holds him at arms length.]
I've got a few things to apologize for myself. You were right, you know. It's not my place to tell you how to live your life. I just...
[He stops short of some things he's still coming to terms with. They'll get there. There's time.]
You've had five years to prove you're more than capable of doing that on your own.
[Jyushi wasn't expecting an apology from Hitoya. Not that he didn't think that Hitoya could be modest enough to give one but because he didn't think Hitoya had much to apologize for.
But hearing it makes Jyushi be reaffirmed why Hitoya is somebody he respects.]
Thank you, Hitoya-san. I think that's why I got defensive. It felt like you didn't believe in me. But you know, I've had five years with you to prove that you only want what's best for me.
It's about time I said it. There's... probably a number of things that could stand to be said, isn't there?
[That's what he's come to realize over the past week, both in arguments with Jyushi and his talks with Rosho. It's still hard to admit it which is why he's still not coming out and saying it yet.
For as much as he can wear his past like armor, brush it off like he's acting on behalf of others who have been hurt and suffered. That's his own pain and suffering too, isn't it? He can't take advantage of their relationship by making Jyushi a proxy to that very same past.]
[Jyushi shakes his head.] I don't think you have to say anything. I mean, it's good to hear things sometimes but your actions always speak louder anyway. [Hitoya can call him annoying and tell him to stop coming to the office and yet Hitoya has never truly made him stop coming over. He always listens and if Jyushi needs help then he helps.]
If you want to then it's okay. I guess sometimes it's nice to get it out, huh?
[It doesn't come as a surprise to Hitoya that Jyushi doesn't have any idea what's coming. Not when Jyushi puts him up on the pedestal that he does, not so high that he's out of reach but just enough that maybe it obscures the details.
It makes sense. Hitoya wouldn't fault him in the least. Their fate was sealed the moment he pulled Jyushi down from that ledge and first pulled him into his arms. But that moment had changed something for Hitoya too. Breaking some small part of the cycle that had started with his brother's suicide.
Because Jyushi had lived where Sora had died. The stories might not overlap but the spirit of them was similar enough to lead them here and now. The only problem was where to start...]
I'm not sure that's true. Jyushi, I haven't been entirely fair to you.
[Jyushi had said over four years ago that Hitoya was his hero and that had never changed. He doubted it ever would. What Hitoya had done for him was something that Jyushi could never repay. Not only for helping him with his grandmother and his bullies but for the fact that even after that, he'd helped Jyushi find ways to keep going. He'd helped him see a band he thought he'd never see and he'd help him find his way back to music. How was Jyushi not supposed to put him on a pedestal?
And so Jyushi cannot understand how Hitoya has done anything that isn't less than giving him the whole world because he did. He'd returned his life back to him.]
[Somehow, Jyushi is still holding onto the gifts he brought for him so Hitoya finally takes them. Slowly and with care as he sets them aside to give proper space to what he's about to say.]
I became a lawyer because of what happened to my brother. You already know that much so I won't rehash the details.
[He's heard it when they first met, when they were working together on the case and again when they came together with Kuko to form their team. Hitoya doesn't hide his past nor his motivations.
Neither has he been completely honest about them.]
But I didn't start out looking to help anyone. I didn't need to be anyone's hero. My brother was gone. There was no changing that. The one thing I thought I could do, was try to get revenge.
[Hitoya has never hidden his motives, it's true. He's very open about this and Jyushi does know all about this. It is something him and Hitoya share in common, the loss of somebody they loved because of bullying. This is a strong bond between them, a source of empathy for the both of them.
Though he's never heard Hitoya quite go into talking about revenge. He thinks that also makes sense, though. He'd wanted the same...although he wasn't sure if he could call it revenge. Maybe justice. But Jyushi knows that wanting justice and wanting revenge are two heavily different things.
He doesn't talk, only nods his head to show he's listening. It feels a little rude if he spoke when this is a serious topic that Hitoya is talking about. But he wants the man to know that he's listening and supportive of what he's saying.]
[It's strange. Jyushi's silence. It's not a quality he associates with the teen and when he imagined how this conversation would play out in involved any number of objections given the esteem Jyushi holds him in even despite the circumstances that led them to this conversation.
It leaves Hitoya a little unsettled. Normally completely confident and assured of himself, never speaking without the utmost conviction, he hesitates to continue.]
You understand right? Even though I'm supposed to be doing this work to help others, I couldn't see them at all. All I could see was my brother, and every one of those bullies I took down could just as easily been his. Whatever happened after that didn't matter as long as they got what they deserved.
[He frowns, and it's not clear whether this is something he's only just realized or something he's only comfortable admitting just now.]
[Jyushi thinks it's important for Hitoya to speak, especially if he's being this open. It isn't like the other man to be quite this honest about his emotions or motivations. Yes, Hitoya will discuss what he does for money because it adds to the image he wants to craft.
He wants to listen and understand everything that Hitoya is saying before he's giving any of his own input. But that last line does make his eyes widen because he didn't see that coming. He wasn't blind to the fact that he'd stayed in Hitoya's life much more than any of his other clients. They'd stayed in touch and become friends, Hitoya had given him his brother's guitar. Obviously he'd made some impact.
[Maybe it was inevitable. It's nice to think he wasn't destined to remain so jaded and his life up until that moment was just a collection of minutes counting down until he met the right person that forced him to confront the real value of his work. The true impact it was having on the world.
Which couldn't be counted in the years behind bars so much as graduations that wouldn't be missed, as championship games yet to be won and the promises of marriage and kids to fulfill. It was in the number of lives saved. In that respect, it could have been anyone.
But that's also doing a discredit to how special Jyushi really is.]
I didn't realize it until you were standing on that ledge and I was right behind you trying to talk you down. In that moment I knew if you died it would be like failing my brother all over again
[Hitoya's hands lay loose before and he considers them now, clean and polished and not a speck of the filth that soils them really visible. He has no illusions about who he is. No qualms about the steps he's taken to achieve the ends to his means. But to sacrifice himself like that and still fail...
It had been a wake up call.]
My brother didn't deserve to die. But if he hadn't died, I might not have been here to help others like him. To help you. When I think about it like that, it gets... just a little easier to live with. To think that you're here in his place.
[It's here that he looks up again, looking Jyushi right in the eye as he reaches out to clasp him by the arm.]
But you're not my brother. It's not fair of me to burden you with that expectation.
[Hitoya and his relationship had begun from tragedy. Born from the ashes of fires that had felt like destroying things. For Jyushi, it almost had taken his life but then Hitoya stopped that. Hitoya looked out for him, stood up for him, and gave him a new chance. Hitoya had done more for Jyushi than he could truly ever put words to. Even now, years past the court case, Hitoya was still going out of his way to help. Jyushi knew that Hitoya didn't have to do most of the things he did.
But it was hard to let go of someone who was Hitoya, someone that had saved his life and became a hero.
Jyushi's never imagined that Hitoya ever stopped hurting over his brother. Much like his grandmother, it was a matter of just living every day. Despite the pain. That was all you could do and just hope you were doing good by their memories.
Now as he listens to Hitoya he feels like he should say something but he's never seen Hitoya be quite this open. The older man is not the emotional type and although Jyushi knows those emotions are there, he wouldn't be doing the job he does if he was without feeling, this still takes him aback.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
backdated to october
Are you home?
[After avoiding him and the fight, it's a simple text but he just wants to make sure they can immediately talk after all that's happened.]
no subject
By the time he notices the text, he sees the numbers on the screen before they resolved into a name. Jyushi, he realizes, who is assuredly at war with himself even as he tries to make trouble--he could never make war--with anyone around him.
Old habits die hard and Hitoya's first thought is to wonder what he wants? Followed quickly by a curiosity for where he's been. That one is new.
In the end, none of them are suitable to hashing out over text which only leaves him with one option for reply.]
Yes
no subject
But he does come home bearing gifts. He walks up to Hitoya, trying to keep up a calm facade about himself as he offers a bag. Inside is a pack of Hitoya's favorite cigarettes here and some chocolates he knows Hitoya likes but are too expensive to have much of.
It isn't a bribe but it is a peace offering.]
no subject
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So as he wraps his arms around Hitoya, he sniffles and thinks he greatly prefers this time.]
I'm sorry for how I spoke to you. You didn't deserve that when you were just looking out for me. Just like you always have.
no subject
[Hitoya gives Jyushi time to take what he might need from the embrace, only pulling away when he feels the kid relax in the way of his apology. Grasping Jyushi by the shoulders, he holds him at arms length.]
I've got a few things to apologize for myself. You were right, you know. It's not my place to tell you how to live your life. I just...
[He stops short of some things he's still coming to terms with. They'll get there. There's time.]
You've had five years to prove you're more than capable of doing that on your own.
no subject
But hearing it makes Jyushi be reaffirmed why Hitoya is somebody he respects.]
Thank you, Hitoya-san. I think that's why I got defensive. It felt like you didn't believe in me. But you know, I've had five years with you to prove that you only want what's best for me.
no subject
[That's what he's come to realize over the past week, both in arguments with Jyushi and his talks with Rosho. It's still hard to admit it which is why he's still not coming out and saying it yet.
For as much as he can wear his past like armor, brush it off like he's acting on behalf of others who have been hurt and suffered. That's his own pain and suffering too, isn't it? He can't take advantage of their relationship by making Jyushi a proxy to that very same past.]
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If you want to then it's okay. I guess sometimes it's nice to get it out, huh?
no subject
It makes sense. Hitoya wouldn't fault him in the least. Their fate was sealed the moment he pulled Jyushi down from that ledge and first pulled him into his arms. But that moment had changed something for Hitoya too. Breaking some small part of the cycle that had started with his brother's suicide.
Because Jyushi had lived where Sora had died. The stories might not overlap but the spirit of them was similar enough to lead them here and now. The only problem was where to start...]
I'm not sure that's true. Jyushi, I haven't been entirely fair to you.
no subject
[Jyushi had said over four years ago that Hitoya was his hero and that had never changed. He doubted it ever would. What Hitoya had done for him was something that Jyushi could never repay. Not only for helping him with his grandmother and his bullies but for the fact that even after that, he'd helped Jyushi find ways to keep going. He'd helped him see a band he thought he'd never see and he'd help him find his way back to music. How was Jyushi not supposed to put him on a pedestal?
And so Jyushi cannot understand how Hitoya has done anything that isn't less than giving him the whole world because he did. He'd returned his life back to him.]
no subject
I became a lawyer because of what happened to my brother. You already know that much so I won't rehash the details.
[He's heard it when they first met, when they were working together on the case and again when they came together with Kuko to form their team. Hitoya doesn't hide his past nor his motivations.
Neither has he been completely honest about them.]
But I didn't start out looking to help anyone. I didn't need to be anyone's hero. My brother was gone. There was no changing that. The one thing I thought I could do, was try to get revenge.
no subject
Though he's never heard Hitoya quite go into talking about revenge. He thinks that also makes sense, though. He'd wanted the same...although he wasn't sure if he could call it revenge. Maybe justice. But Jyushi knows that wanting justice and wanting revenge are two heavily different things.
He doesn't talk, only nods his head to show he's listening. It feels a little rude if he spoke when this is a serious topic that Hitoya is talking about. But he wants the man to know that he's listening and supportive of what he's saying.]
surprise lmao
It leaves Hitoya a little unsettled. Normally completely confident and assured of himself, never speaking without the utmost conviction, he hesitates to continue.]
You understand right? Even though I'm supposed to be doing this work to help others, I couldn't see them at all. All I could see was my brother, and every one of those bullies I took down could just as easily been his. Whatever happened after that didn't matter as long as they got what they deserved.
[He frowns, and it's not clear whether this is something he's only just realized or something he's only comfortable admitting just now.]
Until I met you, Jyushi.
no subject
He wants to listen and understand everything that Hitoya is saying before he's giving any of his own input. But that last line does make his eyes widen because he didn't see that coming. He wasn't blind to the fact that he'd stayed in Hitoya's life much more than any of his other clients. They'd stayed in touch and become friends, Hitoya had given him his brother's guitar. Obviously he'd made some impact.
He just didn't know it was this much of one.]
Until you met me?
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[Maybe it was inevitable. It's nice to think he wasn't destined to remain so jaded and his life up until that moment was just a collection of minutes counting down until he met the right person that forced him to confront the real value of his work. The true impact it was having on the world.
Which couldn't be counted in the years behind bars so much as graduations that wouldn't be missed, as championship games yet to be won and the promises of marriage and kids to fulfill. It was in the number of lives saved. In that respect, it could have been anyone.
But that's also doing a discredit to how special Jyushi really is.]
I didn't realize it until you were standing on that ledge and I was right behind you trying to talk you down. In that moment I knew if you died it would be like failing my brother all over again
[Hitoya's hands lay loose before and he considers them now, clean and polished and not a speck of the filth that soils them really visible. He has no illusions about who he is. No qualms about the steps he's taken to achieve the ends to his means. But to sacrifice himself like that and still fail...
It had been a wake up call.]
My brother didn't deserve to die. But if he hadn't died, I might not have been here to help others like him. To help you. When I think about it like that, it gets... just a little easier to live with. To think that you're here in his place.
[It's here that he looks up again, looking Jyushi right in the eye as he reaches out to clasp him by the arm.]
But you're not my brother. It's not fair of me to burden you with that expectation.
no subject
But it was hard to let go of someone who was Hitoya, someone that had saved his life and became a hero.
Jyushi's never imagined that Hitoya ever stopped hurting over his brother. Much like his grandmother, it was a matter of just living every day. Despite the pain. That was all you could do and just hope you were doing good by their memories.
Now as he listens to Hitoya he feels like he should say something but he's never seen Hitoya be quite this open. The older man is not the emotional type and although Jyushi knows those emotions are there, he wouldn't be doing the job he does if he was without feeling, this still takes him aback.]
I...Hitoya-san...